How to make her your girlfriend

A lot of men who find different dating websites such as Love Systems (formerly Mystery Method Corp) want to meet lots of women and enjoy a certain lifestyle. As long as they're honest, all power to them.

But overshadowed in this sometimes is the fact that some dating coaches are really good at finding a woman who fits what they are looking for, leading to a long-term relationship with her.

How do make a woman into your girlfriend? Well, I'm not going to solve that issue in one post - we actually do a one-day relationship management seminar, but those are almost always sold out. I'll be coming out with a DVD set home study course on this eventually...

(January 2009 update - it wasn't exactly "soon" but this DVD home study course is out - check out sample video clips, lists of topics, and other free bonuses on the Relationship Management Page. Or check out actual clients' reviews of the Love Systems Relationship Management DVDs)

How to make her your girlfriend is one of the focuses of the Relationship Management Seminar, along with "how can I date multiple women?" and "how can I get threesomes".

A lot depends on subtle cues you give - it's amazing how much women read into men's behavior when men aren't even trying to give off signals. As a side note, that's one place I think where women go wrong with guys. Most of what guys do is "noise" and meaningless. Much more of what women do means something. Anyway...

It is both easier and harder to make a woman into your girlfriend than it is to casually date her. Because monogamous relationships are the dominant relationship type in our society, women will often assume that this is where your relationship is going unless either of you say or do something to imply otherwise.

This may seem strange on the surface. After all, you probably have not ended up in Traditional Relationships with most of the people you’ve slept with. This is because people often do “say or do something to imply otherwise”. This can be very subtle. For example, if she mentions other men or dates at any point of your interaction after the first hour or so, she’s probably not looking for a Traditional relationship. If you have a “party” vibe about you and never seem to get serious, she may assume the same about you.

Now, let’s assume that you do want a Traditional Relationship. How do you get this enticing woman to be your girlfriend?

The good news is that a lot of this process is not all that different from getting her to sleep with you – show enough interest to get her looking in that direction, but not so much that you come across as pushy, clingy, or not a challenge.

In other words: Get close to her without being clingy.

Your goal is to get to seeing her 2-3 times per week and for her to come to the conclusion herself that she doesn’t want to see other men and/or that she’d rather give up the ability to see other men in return for knowing that you won’t see other women. It’s important for her to come to this conclusion herself as opposed to your pressuring her.

If you pressure her into a commitment before she feels completely ready – or at least ready enough to bring it up or hint strongly at it herself – then you’re significantly adding to the likelihood that she’ll cheat on you later. So let’s not do that.

For best results, start when in Comfort. Vague long-term plans based on common interests are a great idea. For example, if I’m dating a woman who tells me she loves art, I’ll talk about how we have to go to the Getty Museum one day. If we realize we both love ice hockey, I’ll comment on how we have to go to a game. If she wants to be a better cook, then I’ll suggest we take a cooking class right under the Arclight, and maybe make it more specific by agreeing on what kind of cuisine we should learn. Not only are you uncovering great date ideas, but you are also 1) reinforcing any emotions she has that you and her have some exciting possibilities ahead, 2) communicating that you see potential for some kind of longer-term relationship with her, and 3) helping her imagine herself with you in other contexts in the future. Don’t actually plan anything at this stage – keep it vague. Planning is boring for many women and takes away excitement and adventure and can make everything feel “too serious” to her.

Use each time you see each other to discuss mutual interests and upcoming events. Further dates will follow naturally out of these conversations. For example, say you are both talking about your love for classical music. You mention that you have tickets to the symphony for next Friday. Presto. You have another date.

At some point, she should give off some indications that she’s committing to you. For example, she might reserve part of her weekend for you, or wants to know what you’re doing on the weekend so she can make her plans. She might suggest a weekend getaway. Introducing you to her friends more than once is a very good sign. Listen to how she introduces you, and make sure to invite her along when you are doing some activities with your friends especially exciting high-status activities. Remember, women lose social value if their friends perceive them as easy, so if she’s introducing you to them more than once, she is probably not introducing other men at the same time.

If she hasn’t given any of these signals, be patient. Use the telephone to your advantage. A couple of phone calls during the week, ideally 10 minutes or so, to tell her about something interesting that happened or to check in on something specific in her life (if she was sick before, to find out if she’s feeling better, if she just started a new job, to find out how that went) works wonders. It shows that you care and that you listen. Most of the usual telephone rules (get off the phone first, etc.) still apply.

At some point, she will bring up the idea of you as her boyfriend or ask you if you’re seeing other women. This is not a time for a jealousy plotline. Just be genuine here. Your goal is very close.

It is a rare woman who will see you 2-3 times per week and never refer to you as her boyfriend or initiate a discussion about the future. But if it happens, then the responsibility falls on you to say something like “I feel funny bringing this up, but I realized we never actually talked about this. Are we supposed to be seeing other people?” Be emotionally neutral – and not nervous – when you say this. One way or another, this will resolve the issue.